The Franchise That Should Not Be: A Call To Arms.

OK, so I’m aware that my last post, Terminate all Thought, sort of descended into a rant about Transformers and Michael Bay, which was not the intention.  With this post however, it absolutely is.  I may as well tell you now. 

Terrifyingly close is the release of the third film in The Franchise That Really Shouldn’t Find An Audience Due To The Fact That Those Old Enough To Have A Fondness For The Toys Are All Now Knocking On Thirty Yet The Target Audience Is Clearly 12 Year Old Boys (as I feel the series should be  known, though Total Film may have to clear some space on the cover), and once again I fear the inevitable:  Intelligent, reasonable people with otherwise respectable taste in film sitting alongside dribbling little punks in now forever tainted cinema seats.

OK, I watched the first one, dubious but hopeful, and as you know, it was a piece of shit.  It’s not worth dissecting, it’s not worth criticising.  Some dismissed it as summer popcorn fare, others as a glorified toy advert.  While these are fair conclusions, they are missing the point:  It’s a piece of shit.  ‘But Kev, what about the top-notch CGI-‘  no, it’s just a piece of shit.  ‘Didn’t Megan Fox look-‘  it doesn’t matter.  Piece of shit.

 Now, OK, despite this, I was fooled into thinking the second one might just be insane enough to warrant a watch.  I know, I know, and I’ve reprimanded myself fittingly.  But you know what?  At least I didn’t pay money to see them.  In fact, being a projectionist means I actually got paid to watch them.  But even then, I’d rather have spent my morning cleaning grease out of the gears of the projector.

And so, consider this a call to arms.  I am here to urge you, even to beg you, not to pay money to see Transformers 3.  In fact, if you do, then fuck you, you are an enemy of cinema.  You are contributing to the dumbing down of cinema, and increasing the likelihood of Hollywood putting out more of this worthless, moronic, meaningless shite.  Even if you watch the films on TV, you are boosting ratings and helping to ensure enduring interest and repeated showings.  I’ve been doing my bit, small though it may be, by inserting the trailer into as few films as possible, hoping to make even a few impressionable kids unaware of the film’s release.  And you can do your bit too.  Do not watch this slag heap of a film.  It is time to halt the ongoing march of The Franchise That Really Shouldn’t Find An Audience Due To The Fact That Those Old Enough To Have A Fondness For The Toys Are All Now Knocking On Thirty Yet The Target Audience Is Clearly 12 Year Old Boys.  Michael Bay should not have a career, Shia LaBeouf should be serving burgers and fries and Megan Fox, well, OK fair play to her for getting out when she did.

Please, ignore the inevitable four stars those spineless types at Empire magazine will bless the film with, and go watch something else.  There’s some good shit coming out this summer.